She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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