No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So squirting runs in the family.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
