i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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