there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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