I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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