I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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