Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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