im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
