you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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