the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I touched a dick in church today
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
