can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
