pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
