The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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