I'm going to jail i love you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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