Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
