last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood