I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
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One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life