Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.