fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
