Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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