So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
