I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
