There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.