i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.