Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...