these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know