the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.