Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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