I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There's a naked man in my car right now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
