JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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