Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
