The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
ttyl tear gas
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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