I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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