Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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