I looked at my own cervix.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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