My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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