why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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