You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
