There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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