Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
