Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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