I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
