the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
