my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize