So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
