Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."