Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.