Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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