I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
barbara walters just said penis...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
