I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Boobs speak an international language.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
