shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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