Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
