the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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