I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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