i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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