No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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