I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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