OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
