u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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