I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There's always time for handjobs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
