my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
