oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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