Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
