Sponge bath it is.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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